140 The Husbands of River Song

This is the one where the Surgeon and River Song fight a head and a giant robot on a space train for murderers that can split their faces in half. And we wrapped up the most confusing character arc of all time.

Live from Master Closet Studios, you’re listening to the only podcast on the internet that stores our mics inside our own skull: It’s the Noobs and the Whovian! 

This is the podcast that introduces a whole new generation to Doctor Who by watching an episode each week and discussing it from the perspective of a dad who’s seen it before, and two sons who haven’t.

Welcome to Episode 140, covering series 2015 Christmas special: The Husbands of River Song 

Production notes

  • Story #262 
  • Originally aired December 25, 2015 to 7.69 million viewers
  • Written by: Steven Moffat
  • Directed by: Douglas MacKinnon


  • King Hydroflax – Greg Davies
    • British comedian I know mostly from Would I Lie to You


  • Name of the episode spoken in dialogue?
  • Creature of the week
    • King Hydroflax
    • Scratch
      • Dumbest name ever
  • Jiggery Pokery
    • TARDIS 
      • It put hologrammatic antlers on his head to cheer him up
        • NOT holographic
      • It has a safeguard that won’t allow it to take off if a life-form registers as both inside and outside
    • Sonic
      • Sonic screwdriver, sonic pen, sonic sunglasses, now… the sonic trowel
        • The wiki points out that this is an homage to River’s grandfather, Brian Williams, who always carried a pocket trowel
      • We also get to see her receiving the sonic screwdriver that we saw all the way back in Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead
      • We had both the sonic sunglasses AND the new sonic screwdriver

Other stuff we noticed 

  • Sentient laser swords
  • Mr. Flemming, how are the twins? Still digesting their mother. There were tears and a little bit of screaming.

Who’s Who?

  • Who is Nardole?
    • Corbin’s fav new character
  • Who is River Song?
    • She had a fez in her bag
    • The murder of a man like that wouldn’t weigh very heavily on my conscience even if I had one.
    • She has a sonic trowel
    • She apparently steals the TARDIS occasionally and returns it
    • She’s now 200 years old
    • Her diary
      • The Crash of the Byzantium, didn’t they make a movie out of that?
      • Jim the Fish, we all know Jim the Fish!
    • She truly believes the Doctor doesn’t love her, but she is the woman who loves the Doctor.
      • He doesn’t go around falling in love with people.
      • He’s off doing whatever he wants
      • When you love the Doctor, it’s like loving the stars themselves! You don’t expect a sunset to admire you back.
    • I’m an archaeologist from the future. I dug you up!
  • Who is the Doctor?
    • Are you the surgeon? Close enough
    • You don’t look much like your picture. That’s a bit of an ongoing problem for me. Most people need a flowchart
    • I’ve had a haircut, this is a new suit!
    • He’s got cross arms!
    • Some time with River was EXACTLY what he needed right now. I haven’t laughed in a LONG time!
    • On kissing – doesn’t it get boring after a while? As an activity, it’s not really varied is it?
    • FINALLY! It’s my go – and he really overdid it.
      • Sorry, I’ve always wanted to see that done properly
    • Is sarcasm helping? Wouldn’t it be a great universe if it did.
    • His frowning is audible
    • Two hearts, stupid clothes! You can’t miss him!
    • Complicated marriages
      • Hydroflax, Elizabeth I, Ramone, Marilyn Monroe, Stephen Fry, Cleopatra, same thing!
    • Every night is the last night for something. Every Christmas is last Christmas.
    • There’s no such thing as happy ever after, it’s just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard.
    • Always when we need it the most, there is a Song.

Classic Who Connections 

  • The first time it was mentioned that Time Lords had limited regenerations cycles was in The Deadly Assassin
  • The First Doctor also gave the excuse that he couldn’t bow due to a bad back to Kublai Khan in Marco Polo

Overall impressions

  • Overall rating out of 10
    • Jared – 7.5 tying up of everything into neat little packages
    • Austin – 9.5 gooey heads
    • Corbin – 8 dumb character names
    • Tripp – 9 Jim the fishes 
  • Creep Level – out of 500
    • Jared – 50
    • Austin – 50
    • Corbin – 50
    • Tripp – 85

The Game Plan

  • The BBC is conspiring against our podcast!
  • We can NOT find Doctor Who: The Movie to save our lives! So we’re gonna punt a bit!
  • Next up is our next Timey Wimey episode covering Philip K. Dick’s 1952 short story The Skull. It is in the public domain, so you can find the free e-book at Project Gutenberg.
  • Then it’s 1965’s Doctor Who and the Daleks, which you can find on Amazon’s BritBox add-on.
  • Then, if we can find it, it’s Doctor Who: The Movie. We’re having trouble getting this one nailed down. It appears to be on BritBox, but I’m not 100% sure yet.
Be sure to catch the Classic Who episode by starting your free trial with BritBox on Amazon Prime Video!


Noobs and the Whovian is a production of Master Closet Studios, where it’s always smaller on the inside. Your Senior Producer is Austin Reason. Our Audio Engineer is Tripp Reason. Corbin Reason is our Production Editor. Special thanks to tardis.wikia.com for the trivia, and to Jared for the Classic Who Connections. Shout outs to Victor, Jared, and James for their Patreon support.

You can find us at facebook.com/noobsandthewhovian or twitter.com/noobswhovian and email us at [email protected]. Consider supporting us at https://www.patreon.com/noobsandthewhovian. Please subscribe and leave a rating wherever you found us, and share us with a friend not because we’re a great show but because we watch one.

As always, my name is Austin and I’m the Whovian…

Until next time, be safe if you can. But always. Be. Amazing.